No, we are simply parents of a son who struggled ten years with an opiate addiction.  We made mistakes, learned a good deal throughout the process, and had some triumphs, all of which we are going to share through AMERICAN BOY. We know it will help in your family's struggle.  Experts who dedicate their lives to professionally treating addiction--such as individuals like Carrie Wilkens, PhD, who advised our book--are the true heroes in this nightmare.

I know how hard this is. You are "walking on eggshells" because you likely saw a change in your loved one's behavior, as we did in Matt. You are thinking drugs, but want conclusive evidence to support your instinct.  Our relationship with Matt became more volatile, and we found ourselves searching his room and car to validate our suspicions.  What I would suggest is this:  There is nothing wrong with just broaching the subject.  Likely, you won't get the truth, but you will send a clear message that you are watching him/her.

After Matt turned 21, he was very aware we could no longer force him into treatment, so when he came to the "I need help" point, the goal was to get him into treatment as soon as possible before he changed his mind.  So onto the Internet you go, and "welcome to the wild west."  You have no accredited guide in which to trust, no idea who wrote the reviews you see, and the one first question I always hoped for, "Tell me about your son," was usually trumped by "What kind of insurance do you have?" Think about that.  Addiction is a disease.  Muscular dystrophy is a disease.  When I sought a provider for Shea, I identified and did my due diligence on eight different options and checked their credentials and their expertise thoroughly before choosing one.  In the treatment field, you do not have many resources to rely on, ridiculous as it is.  We can help with the Programs of Excellence guide. Just shoot us an email, and we will get back to you quickly.

It is tough enough to try to manage this situation, your job, and your other children, without throwing in marital stress.  This was not uncommon in our household, and everyone had an opinion.  This question might be best answered by a professional who can counsel you, but I can tell you this.  Larry and I disagreed on many decisions about Matt, but now in hindsight, what does it matter?  Who knows if we did it his way or my way what would have worked? We both carry great guilt over whether we could have, should have...

In the end, we both wanted solutions for our son, and that united us. 

Probably the toughest thing we ever had to do, but yes.  As a parent, you always worry about the safety of your child, even as they become young adults.  Sometimes it may be necessary in order to force them to make hard choices when they are on their own.  But then you worry even more that while they are no longer under your roof, something horrible may happen--he gets arrested, or he overdoses, etc. You think the worst.  Any of those things can happen regardless of whether or not he lives with you.  If you come to the point where you feel they must leave, make sure they know they are still loved and are welcome back when they decide to do the right thing and work towards the goal of sobriety.

Now you have the problem of a trust issue with your grown-up child (“What were you doing in my room?  You invaded my privacy!”) to go along with the anguish of knowing he is using drugs.  Best to be up front and let him know you still love him and are on his side, but something has to change.

Fair question.  We never hated Matt. We did, however, hate some of the things he did because of his addiction.  I know this.  You love this person in your life, but drugs turns your loved one into someone unrecognizable to you.  We understand. 

When our youngest, Shea, was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, it shocked us and directed our attentions towards her care.  Kelley and Matt were still young and sometimes felt Shea was getting all the attention.  This was understandable and sometimes unavoidable.  We recognized that and learned from it.  Later on, when our son was afflicted with addiction, our attention was drawn to him and further away from his sisters.  We made a concerted effort to spend special one on one time with both Kelley and Shea during that time.  Try to keep that in mind when you have other children who are also affected and going through a similar stress as you are.

First, remember who you are: his/her sibling. As hard as it is, and as much as you may want to, that is exactly what he/she needs you to be. A sibling. Someone that can give advice, but primarily love them, encourage them, and especially have fun with them. Maintaining a normal relationship when possible can be an enormous stress reliever to your sibling. Engage in healthy activities together and don’t feel like your entire relationship needs to be grounded in the addiction. Choose to pardon debts owed to you (even just temporarily) in favor of laughs and making positive memories when the opportunity presents itself. Give your sibling permission to not be present when they accept help such as rehab or counseling. Let them know you understand what is going on and are there for them. You know you can’t solve this. So be to him/her what you can be.

I tried to stay as close as possible to my brother whether it was a conversation about something we both loved or a quick 5-10 min phone call to just say hello. My brother would reach out for money or wires all the time; I never gave him any, but it was tough. Sometimes, he would call or message me elaborate stories about how he was stranded or in trouble and it was hard to tell what what true or a lie. As hard as it was, I avoided it.

I had Matt come visit me both in college and when I lived in NYC to try to give him a normal experience. He came after just getting out of jail, and my friends at college did a great job of treating him exactly the same as any other sibling visiting. He also was sober then since he was forced to be while in jail, so I have really great memories of when he came. I thought it would motivate him to want to go to college himself. Unfortunately, as soon as he was off parole, he was back into drugs. By the time he came to NYC, he was back on heroin and using it the whole time while visiting me, which was very difficult. I was so disappointed that he would do this and it caused a lot of anxiety for me.  It is difficult when you have a friend type relationship to handle a loved one while they are not sober and I wish I had  reached out to a specialist.

I confronted my brother a lot and we were pretty hostile toward each other when he was on drugs. When he was able to take a step back and would go into rehabs, I was able to reconcile and be a better support for him, since his mindset was different. In one of our last conversations in the car, my brother shared how scared he was about not being able to control or fight this, and I told him no matter what I’d always have his back. He told me some things even my parents don’t know that I will take with me to my grave, but I think to get to that point in my opinion you have to listen, forgive, and try to support as much as possible in all stages. As soon as you judge and block them out, he always would take major steps back. Trust me, it’s easier said than done, so if you can’t do all three, maybe just try to listen to them.

Whether it’s drugs, alcohol, major life choices, divorce, or loss, families fight for all reasons. It’s important to understand this in order to realize you are not alone, and conflict is normal. Unfortunately, the presence of addiction in a household multiplies this environment of conflict, however. Accepting that an addiction is a deep physical, mental, and social disease is not giving your sibling a “pass,” it is setting the framework for how you will view these issues in the future. It is okay to be angry and confront your sibling, and ask for amends. It is okay to talk to them about how you’re feeling. But because the likelihood of repeated offense is so high with addiction, and because your sibling is past the point of having full control, a strategy of empathy and serenity is necessary to avoid getting stuck in anger. Empathy reminds us that absolutely anyone could make one mistake and fall into a deep, unending trench the way our sibling has. Even us. Serenity is accepting that this problem is explainable yet beyond what either of us can solve, so you are prepared to offer grace when it is not deserved as an act of faith that recovery can happen and hurts can be amended in due time. That might be far in the future. But don’t let that be your reason for not having a relationship now.

Yep! He would text and message me how horrible of a sister I was and that he wished I was dead if he found out I said something to my parents or tried to get help for him. I think he’s said the worst things anyone has ever said to me, but weirdly I always knew he didn’t mean it and deep down it wasn’t the brother I knew. I thought it was important that he keep reaching out to me and stay in touch even when I knew he was at rock bottom.

Your parents love your sibling and to consider such a crippling problem ensnaring their son or daughter is painful. Denying the problem will never solve it, though. If you are the only one who understands what your sibling is dealing with and your parents do not believe you after more than one genuine discussion, it might be time to reach out to a trusted aunt, uncle, or grandparent. Explain to them that you are in an extremely difficult position and need help communicating with your parents now. Use calm, confident language and provide evidence. School counselors can be your next line of contact for advice and resources if this fails. If all options for adult intervention are exhausted, do not hesitate to call crisis lines on your sibling if found possessing heroin or other life-threatening substances. Above all, secrets can kill. It is better for your siblings to face charges and receive medical attention than to continue with an unrecognized addiction to the point of death.

Yes. I had to have difficult conversations during his addiction. My brother unfortunately reached out to many friends and family to try to get money from them through Facebook when he was back to using, so I usually had a lot of explaining to do to people around us.  After this happened so many times, I wasn’t embarrassed anymore but more worried and later realized how sick my brother was. Once I came to that realization, I was more open about sharing why he was asking and helping to educate people rather than be embarrassed over how to respond to him.

You will encounter wonderful people that really stepped up, but you will also face judgement by others who do not understand the disease of addiction. I wish people were more educated about the disease and knew how to help families while they are going through it. Hopefully this book and website can help in some way. 

Keeping it under the rug can seem like the best way to deal with addiction in social settings, but you need support and compassion, too. Please share what is going on with trusted friends. Let them know you are reaching out and ask them to be nonjudgmental listeners. If discussing it for the first time, choose a private place, in person, to talk about it. Share how it makes you feel and your role in this family dynamic. Allow them to ask questions and check in with how they’re responding. And ask them to be discreet about this information.

Some I found to be very understanding and helpful and I was lucky to have a good support system of friends. They never knew how exactly to help, but just did so by being there for me when I needed someone to listen or just hang out with me when my brother was either in jail, using, or missing. I am thankful they distracted me while still asking me how I was and being willing to sit down and listen to my struggles. I should have probably also been in therapy and was careful to not be a compete burden, but I was very surprised how supportive my friend group was. 

I was careful who I shared the information with at first, but as the years went by, it was more normal for me to discuss this openly. I know everyone is different, and it may seem scary to share these types of family secrets, but I received a lot of great advice and found friends who even knew someone else going through it, so I felt like I was learning and healing while sharing. The friends who didn’t support me are no longer my friends today and I feel better off. I even had a friend I was best friends with in college not attend my brother's funeral. That pretty much ended that friendship. I learned the hard way in some cases ,which I’m still learning today in my 30s.

Yes, I’ve had a few different types of jobs from a very corporate structure to more of a start-up environment. I felt comfortable sharing with my manager to start so that he/she better understood what I was dealing with outside of work and then as I felt comfortable would sometimes share with other coworkers. They have all been very understanding and supportive.

Of course, I have so many what-ifs and try to go back to some of our conversations to reflect on what I could have done differently. I was the oldest sister and supposed to be looking out for my younger siblings, so I felt like I really let my family down when my brother would go back to drugs. It destroyed me whenever he died. We were really close. I wish I was there more during the last few days of his life. There are not enough resources to help families, and in particular, siblings. Yes, I will always have regrets.

I still do share my brother's story even after he passed away, because I want people to know that I had a brother when they ask about my family, and I want to talk about him. It’s always tough when I start something new, whether it’s dating, school, or a job, and you get that “tell me about your family” question, but once I open up it makes their understanding of me a lot better and more complete.

I know. We are too. We get it. Breathe, grieve, and be. When you are ready, reach out to us and others to shoulder some of your burden. Remember that it was not your fault. And allow us to help make your sibling’s life as meaningful and powerful as it can possibly be. “Death ends a life, not a relationship.” – Mitch Albom